


Sex Ed For Dummies

by vanillalime



Category: Oz (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Middle School, Community: hardtime100, Gen, Humor, Implied Relationships, Sex Education
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-20
Updated: 2018-09-20
Packaged: 2019-07-14 20:51:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16048319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vanillalime/pseuds/vanillalime
Summary: A humorous AU where Coach Murphy is tasked with teaching Human Reproductive Health to the adolescent boys at Oswald Middle School.





	Sex Ed For Dummies

**Author's Note:**

> Cross-posted from LiveJournal. Written for the Hardtime100 challenge prompt "School Daze."

Principal Tim McManus glanced down at his agenda one last time and started rubbing the top of his balding head. He’d been dreading this moment since the meeting started. He nervously cleared his throat before looking up from the table and into the expectant eyes of his staff.  
  
"All right, there’s just one more thing we need to discuss," he announced. "This summer, the Board of Education voted to approve one small change in our mandatory curriculum. Oswald Middle School is now required to teach a week’s worth of lessons on the human reproductive system."  
  
All the staff members shifted uncomfortably in their seats. Several of them quickly looked down down at the floor, while others studied the ceiling above. A few were immediately preoccupied with some fascinating scenery outside the conference room’s window.  
  
"We’re actually a little behind the times on this," McManus continued in a louder voice, hoping to regain their attention. "Most school districts implemented programs on this subject a long time ago, with great success. I’m sure it will work well here, too."  
  
Mr. Lopresti bravely raised the question that everyone else was too afraid to ask. "Tell me, Tim" he inquired with a smirk, "Exactly how many programs have we implemented that worked well in other schools but then failed here? Why would Sex Ed be any different?"  
  
McManus narrowed his eyes. Over the noise of some muffled giggling, he retorted, "We do _not_ refer to it as Sex Ed. The correct terminology is Human Reproductive Health."  
  
McManus drew in a breath and forced himself to smile, hoping no one would notice how he didn’t answer Lopresti’s question. "Now, ideally, our science teachers would incorporate this unit into their classrooms as part of the biology module. Unfortunately, due to rules in their union contract, I cannot assign new instructional material to them on such short notice. So, instead, I am designating school counselor Sister Peter Marie to educate our girls on this topic, while our basketball coach, Sean Murphy, will teach the boys."  
  
Sister Pete and Coach Murphy jumped out of their chairs as everyone else sighed in relief.  
  
"But I don’t know anything about sex!" the nun exclaimed.  
  
"But I don't know anything about women!" the coach exclaimed.  
  
"Meeting dismissed!" McManus exclaimed.  
  
As everyone made a break for the room’s exit, McManus grabbed his briefcase. He quickly made his way over to Murphy and pulled the agitated coach aside.  
  
"I have something for you that you might find useful," he told him quietly. He pulled a book out of his briefcase and discreetly handed it to him.  
  
Murphy stared at the cover. " _The Birds, The Bees, and You and Me_? What the hell kind of book is this?"  
  
Tim coughed into his fist. "It’s a book about sex," he explained. "Just let me know if you have any questions. I might, uh, be able to provide you with some… insight. If you want it."  
  
Ms. Howell, who was standing nearby, let out a cackle. "As everybody knows, if there’s one thing that Tim is an expert on, it’s sex," she proclaimed. "Isn’t that right, Big Tim?"  
  
McManus scowled at her, and his face turned red. He turned around, pushed a few teachers out of his way, and stomped out the door.  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
Miguel Alvarez took a seat on the gymnasium's bleachers and rubbed his hands together eagerly. "This is going to be great!" he enthused. "I bet he’s going to show us pictures of naked women!"  
  
Ryan O’Reily threw a ball of wadded paper at Miguel’s head. "Don’t be a dumbass," he told him. "Murphy’d get fired if he did somethin’ like that."  
  
Toby Beecher pushed his glasses up onto the bridge his nose. "I’m just glad we're doing this instead of that wrestling unit."  
  
"I'm not," mumbled Chris Keller, shooting a meaningful glance in Toby’s direction.  
  
"This whole thing is a waste of time for me, man," Jaz Hoyt professed. "I already know everything there is to know about sex."  
  
"Bullshit!" blurted Chucky Pancamo. "You’ve spent more time kissin’ your bike than kissin’ any girl."  
  
Jaz made a menacing move toward Chucky, but his nefarious intentions were interrupted by Coach Murphy’s entrance into the gym.  
  
"Okay, boys, settle down!" Murphy called out, pushing a portable blackboard with one hand and clutching a well-worn book with the other. "Everyone join Miguel over there on the bleachers."  
  
The students followed his directions with surprising speed and promptly gave him their full attention.  
  
Hands on his hips, Murphy stood in front of the boys and stared back at them. He took a moment to pray for an unscheduled fire drill or an unexpected medical emergency. Preferably his own.  
  
His prayers went unanswered.  
  
The coach sighed. "All right, beginning today, we are going to spend a week learning about the human reproductive system."  
  
Miguel began clapping, then sheepishly stopped when no one else followed his lead.  
  
Murphy’s eyes narrowed. "I’m expecting you all to be mature about this," he stated loudly. "If you can’t, I suggest you get up and leave right now. There’s a chair in the principal’s office with your name on it."  
  
To everyone’s surprise, Kareem Said stood up and walked over to the coach.  
  
"I do not have a problem with acting mature," he declared haughtily. "Quite the contrary, as a matter of fact. But my family has decided that the public education system is not the appropriate conduit for the instruction of a morally sensitive topic such as human reproductive health. I have here a note excusing me from participation in this highly questionable activity."  
  
Kareem handed Murphy a piece of folded white paper. Murphy opened it and took a second to read it before responding, "Uh, okay."  
  
Under his breath, Ryan whispered, "What the fuck?"  
  
"Goody-two-shoes probably wrote the note himself," snorted Jaz.  
  
"I didn’t understand a word he said," Chucky muttered.  
  
"I admire him for his strong convictions," gushed Toby.  
  
Chris scowled and said nothing.  
  
Kareem turned toward the exit and began walking briskly toward it. Suddenly, Chris stuck his foot out, and Kareem flew face-first down onto the gymnasium floor.  
  
"Oops, sorry," Chris declared innocently, doing his best to ignore Toby’s reproachful glare.  
  
"Thirty minutes of detention this Friday, Keller!" Coach Murphy shouted, helping Kareem to his feet.  
  
Chris shrugged.  
  
The coach took a deep breath. "The first thing we’re going to discuss is the female anatomy," he announced. "Give me a minute to draw a picture of it on the blackboard here."  
  
The boys looked at each other in disbelief, shocked by their good fortune. With a grin, Miguel raised an eyebrow in Ryan’s direction and mouthed, "I told you so."  
  
Murphy retrieved a piece of chalk from behind his ear and began writing on the board, pausing twice to refer to the illustrations in the book Tim had given him. When he had finished, he stepped aside to reveal his sketch of the female body and its reproductive organs.  
  
It consisted of a stick figure with long hair and two concentric circles positioned over its middle.  
  
The disappointed boys exchanged puzzled looks.  
  
Murphy grabbed a pointer from the blackboard’s tray. He used it to tap the smaller inner circle. "Can anyone tell me what this is?"  
  
With a furrowed brow, Chucky raised his hand. "A bullseye?"  
  
Ryan stared at the figure in confusion. "What are we supposed to do? Shoot them in the stomach?"  
  
"You guys are so stupid," Jaz declared, shaking his head. "It’s her belly button. You’re supposed to stick your finger in it."  
  
"No!" the coach cried over the confused murmurs and nervous laughter. Murphy examined his sketch and wondered how difficult it would be to fake a heart attack. Then, after referring back to Tim’s book, he erased the outer circle and replaced it with an oval.  
  
"Now it looks like an egg yolk," remarked Toby.  
  
"Maybe ladies gotta eat a hard-boiled egg to have a baby," Miguel theorized.  
  
"No!" Coach Murphy exclaimed once again. "It’s called the uterus."  
  
Chris smirked. "Did you say, ' _Yahoos R Us_ '?"  
  
The coach glared at him. "Detention’s up to an hour now, Keller."  
  
Chris rolled his eyes in response. Then he caught sight of Toby, who was trying his hardest to suppress a grin. Chris’s frown morphed into a smile.  
  
Murphy returned to his blackboard. He took the piece of chalk and drew two more smaller circles above his bullseye/yolk/uterus. Turning around, he asked, "I don’t suppose you know what these are?"  
  
A few boys giggled while Ryan proclaimed, "Yeah, they’re hooters."  
  
Jaz threw him a disgusted look. "The correct term is _bazooms_ , dummy."  
  
The coach slapped his forehead. "No, no, no. They’re ovaries," he informed the class. He glanced back at the blackboard. "The bazooms—I mean, breasts—would be somewhere up here." He used the pointer to tap the neck area of his stick figure.  
  
Chris folded his arms across his chest. "And exactly what purpose does an ovary serve?" he asked mischievously.  
  
"Every month, one of the ovaries releases an egg," Murphy explained. "The egg travels down to the uterus, where it waits to be fertilized by a seed."  
  
The gym was uncomfortably quiet. "You know," Murphy added weakly, "like a garden."  
  
A moment’s pause, then Chucky asked, "What kind of seed? Like, sunflower seeds? Sesame seeds?"  
  
"Can girls get pregnant from eating a Big Mac?" a stunned Toby asked.  
  
"No!" the coach cried in exasperation. "They don’t eat the seeds, they’re planted inside them. By a man."  
  
"I always wanted to be a farmer when I grew up," Chris said with a sly grin.  
  
"Detention’s now two hours, Keller."  
  
"But how does the man get the seed get inside the uterus?" asked Miguel.  
  
Murphy stood and waited for a lightning bolt to strike him dead. Instead, the bell rang, signaling the end of the period. With a great sense of relief, the coach told the class, "We’ll go over that tomorrow."  
  
With looks on their faces that ranged from earnest anticipation to blushing bewilderment, the boys all stood up and began to wander toward the gymnasium’s exit.  
  
Coach Murphy erased his female stick figure from the blackboard. He had a feeling that he was coming down with the ebola virus. He’d call in sick tomorrow and tell Tim to teach this class.  
  
Hopefully, Tim wouldn’t ask for his book back.


End file.
